Shady Shades: Cheater Cheats

Shady is as shady does... Right?

Obviously! If the person wasn't acting shady to begin with, we wouldn't have grounds to call them shady in the first place. 

So what are the signs and symptoms of shadiness? Let's go through the ones I have personally experienced and yes have confronted many said Shades about...

Phones... Oh how I love you to hate you!

Phones are where the biggest signs of shadiness occurs. Sleeping with their phone in the pocket of their pants is one of my absolute favorites! "Yes those jeans look mighty comfy! Why'd they even come up with those pajama things?" Then there's the "oh I just left my phone in the car". Or the sleeping with their phone under their pillow. I've even had one shady shit hold his phone in his hand under his pillow the entire night. Like "What? Are you expecting a baby or something??" Nothing quite screams "I have something to hide!!" like literally hiding your phone. 

Since this scenario happened less than a week ago I decided to throw it in as a lesson learned... I was seeing this guy for a few months. Nothing abnormal. No red flags were raised. Well flags were raised, but they weren't red enough to run. UNTIL his phone "broke". 

One day, out of the blue, his phone decided it wouldn't charge. He threw a fit, I calmly said "hey it's probably just your charger" then I grabbed his phone, plugged it into my charger, and disco! It came to life! The next night he came over and gave me the same lame excuse. It was as if his mind had completely forgot I had solved his "broken" phone problem and again demanded that his phone refused to charge. Red flag. 

Long story short... Three days later I went through his phone and after finding four hookup/dating apps, I had an amazing conversation with his ex-girlfriend! She kept asking me what was wrong with his phone the past week and I told her. Nothing was wrong with his phone, he was simply ignoring her because he was with me.

This is the reason why a password was invented. Hey guys! If you're going to put a password on your phone, be sure you change the notifications so it doesn't pop up on the lock screen. Just some uncommon sense for you shady fellas. Oh and don't tell us the password after you get caught being shady just to lower your shadiness level.

News flash! There's this thing called delete and we all know you know how to use it. I'm sure the level in which you delete things is already muchhh higher than your shady acting. So don't even try. If we read through your texts, and I'm sure there's been other shady aspects to provoke suspicion... (We simply don't go through your phone because it's fun and we're just crazy!) We will know if you have deleted one side of a conversation. "Oh she messaged me a few times, but you I swear I didn't answer!" So who is she answering then?!? God?

A few other shady symptoms are... Locking their phone when you walk into the room. If their phone goes off and they look at the notification and then turn the phone over; trying to be super smooth but always failing. If they're on their phone and at any given moment has a guilty look on their face like they're doing something wrong. Chances are it's another girl, something illegal, or porn. Either way. That's soooo shady!

Facebook... Or fakebook as it seems to be for everyone

Ladies! If he doesn't want pictures posted with the two of you in them. If he doesn't "like" the posts that you post on his wall or tag him in. The obvious one... If he untags himself in any status, picture, check in, whatever. If he won't make it FBO after you've already decided amongst yourselves that you're in a "steady" relationship and you're "exclusive". You are NOT the only one! RUNNN and don't look back!

I don't care if he tells you that "facebook is drama". Or "our relationship is between the two of us". He's keeping his relationship status as single to keep other options open. Then there's the "I didn't get the request". However that can only use a few times, and is usually used as a last resort.

No matter what the excuse. It's all bs. Promises mean nothing to these shady shades. They'll literally say anything, just to get you to believe their story so they can continue to do their shady shit in peace. Bottom line: If he won't make it "official" on facebook, he's either still looking or there's more than one girl he's officially unofficial with.

Defensiveness... Defense! Defense!

If you ask to see his phone after seeing some shady action, and he not only refuses, but is repulsed by that fact that "YOU don't trust ME?!?" Then fasten your seat belts ladies, you're in for a bumpy ride! It's a total defensive mechanism. Turning the blame away from himself, onto you. Making you feel guilty for even thinking that he would ever do anything remotely shady. 

*ding! ding! ding!* We have a winner! Tell us what she's won Johnny! Well she has two choices... She can either stand down, or prepare for a fight, because it's about to get nasty!

In my experience, if the guy tries to shift the blame or guilt or whatever. You can either stay or leave. If you stay because you need proof, I totally get it. Just know that Shady Shaderson isn't going to back down easily, and definitely isn't going to admit that he's done anything wrong anytime soon. 

The funny thing is that when he's getting defensive, not only is he sounding like a complete moron by grasping at anything to take the spotlight off of him. He's doing ANY thing! He doesn't care what comes out of his mouth, he's hoping you're going to retaliate to say something just as hurtful so you're to blame too.  He will bring up your past mistakes. He will bring up anytime that you ever even doubted him and were wrong. (That happened ONE time!) He will call you names to make you doubt yourself. 

At this point you know you've won. If you continue because you want him to actually admit that he's wrong, you better be able to handle the name calling.

Name calling... You're sooo crazy!

Nothing says you're "getting warmer" quite like a man calling you crazy. If you get called crazy or insane or hear any of the following statements; "it's all in your head", "you're creating these circumstances by assumptions", or my favorite "I didn't do anything wrong! You're making something out of nothing". You're heading in the right direction, and he's trying to make you second guess yourself before you get any closer to the shadilicous truth. 

If he calls you crazy or even slightly hints to you being crazy and it all being "in your head" or "created". Your instincts are not wrong! There's a reason for said shadiness. Either walk away, or figure out what you said right before the crazy comment was made: because 9 times out of 10, that's the root of all shady actions.

Wait... What?... What are we even fighting about? 

At this point, it's as if all memory has been lost and there's no recollection of anyone doing anything wrong. Either party has had enough and is throwing in the towel. Nothing wrong with that. Both sides win. Unless the accused shady someone has said this first. If he says it first, it's a mechanism to get you to forget what you're mad about. He's testing to see if you've had enough and if you're ready to back down. If you say it first, I highly congratulate you on being the bigger person. 

If you want to agree with him and say "I don't know, this is so stupid!" Go ahead! Because usually it is. It's stupid. The entire fight will make you feel like you ran a marathon with your brain on your feet. You're dodging bullets aimed directly at your heart, your mind, your thoughts, and your intuition. So either bite the bullet and agree to the stupidity, or be the one to recognize the stupidity in the first place.

Either way... It's all just a game. You can both win, or you can both lose. It's like the Amazing Race, except you don't get any prize money at the end. Just the memories and lessons learned.

Just do it... RUN!

My advice to you would be to run. Run away and don't look back with the first sign of shadiness. Just run! Real men don't have a shady bone in their body. Real men don't need to act shady, because they're not shady. They're real.

Find a man who doesn't need to be shady. Who doesn't have to act shady about anything, because he can't even think of doing anything to cause you not to trust him. 

Men like that exist, you just have to weed through the shades to find him!

<3 Deena

"Just Deena"

Photo by Anti Bullying on Stop bullying today!

"Oh... It's Just Deena"

You know how some parents label their children as shy, whiny, fat, bad, stupid, etc. My label isn't too bad, it's just... "Just Deena". On one hand I'm pleased because other than my own name, there aren't any words even remotely close to describing me. On the other hand it's still a label, and as we all know labeling is bad, mmmk. 

If your daughter is overweight and you label her as fat; chances are she's either going to grow up always being overweight, or she's going to develop an eating disorder. 

If your son is maybe a little slow and you label him as stupid. He'll most likely grow up not giving his all thinking there's no point in even trying because he's stupid. If every time you introduce your daughter to people you say "oh she's just shy", she's never going to grow out of that shyness. 

If your son is a typical boy, but maybe has some misguided anger, and you label him as bad. He's going to grow up doing "bad" things because he's been told his entire life that he's bad, not his actions.

This is why I am so against labeling people, especially children. At my mom's 50th birthday party my 4 year old nephew and my 5 year old son were playing around. My sister, hanging decorations and seeing my son push hers said "Just stay away from him... He's bad!" What she didn't see was my nephew pushing first, and she didn't hear my son repeatedly asking him to stop. 

So even though my son was only defending himself after trying to avoid the situation, he was still labeled as bad. No. He's not bad. His actions were yes, but he's not bad. Especially when his intentions are good and he was simply trying to avoid the situation. I don't want him growing up to see a "bad guy" looking back at him in his reflection in a mirror.

So lets discuss my "just Deena" label further. It wouldn't even be an issue if the reference to being "just Deena" wasn't said as such a negative aspect. Honestly, I'm pretty sure it was created by my Mom, and used when asked about my actions to keep her social status in good standing. Yes, I am human, I've made plenty of mistakes. All of my impulsiveness, my rash thinking and decisions, my inability to focus and be patient, and not thinking before speaking made perfect sense when I was diagnosed with ADHD. 

Blame it on my ADD

High School was so hard for me. My parents said I didn't try enough. Maybe they were right. Maybe I didn't study enough. It just felt so useless... I would sit down to take the exam with confidence because I had studied the entire week before it, I knew the material backwards and forwards. Then I would read the first question... As I was trying to comprehend what the question was, I'd be asking myself if I studied the wrong chapters. I had no idea what the question was asking. I would look at the possible answers for help and they'd just be random unfamiliar words. Why would I spend days and hours studying something that is literally just going in one ear and out the other? If I didn't have any interest, it didn't have a purpose. 

The only thing I was interested in was keeping my parents proud. However, bringing home C's and D's on your report card isn't very pleasing. Neither is having zero self control. I said everything and anything that came to mind, and I acted on every impulse. When I turned 13 that's when the real problems started, I had these new hormones that threw me on an emotional rollercoaster. I was grounded more weekends then I wasn't. I got the belt pretty much every other day. Being punished for something you literally can't control is almost as frustrating as the longing for said control.

At the age of 24, I went back to college for the second time. It was the same, if not worse than when I was in high school. I couldn't focus. I would study and study and study, and when I went to take the exam, there was just emptiness. It was hopeless! Like the hamster was running in overdrive, but there wasn't anything holding the wheel in place. I knew that if something didn't change, I didn't stand a chance. So I did some research on learning disorders, and I will never forget the first time I read the signs and symptoms of ADD/ADHD. My flaws, my regrets, my mistakes, everything that I was punished for, they were all on that list. I went to the doctor's, got the diagnosis, and was prescribed good ol' Adderall.

FOCUS!

Now not only could I focus, I could complete projects and assignments on time. During exams I didn't even need to look at the possible answers for help, I knew the answer as soon as I read the question. The best part was that not only would the information actually stay, but when I studied I could actually make sense of things. I could understand things I never had been able to even begin to comprehend. Math for instance. I didn't understand math whatsoever in High School, Middle School, even Elementary school. It was hard for me to memorize multiplication and division simply because the lack of interest, and I just didn't get the concept of solving the problems. When I went back to school with the medicine, it was as if my eyes were opened and not only could I understand the problems, I could solve them. I knew the steps, and I knew how to get the answers. It made sense.

It was as if my entire life had been a puzzle and I had the last piece in sideways. No matter how hard I pushed, it just wouldn't fit. With the adderall I could turn the piece around and put it in it's place. I could see the whole picture. I could make sense of things that normally wouldn't by looking at it from several different angles. I could focus on things that I wasn't interested in, and I didn't avoid them or procrastinate. Including math and household chores! :)

I could clean my house, not here and there and everywhere, but my entire house one room at a time. I knew it was something that needed to be done, and I had to do it. I could prioritize. Not only did I actually attend class and Doctor appointments and family functions, but I was on time! I could think before speaking. I didn't blurt things out and interrupt people having conversations. I didn't act on every  impulse. I was able to think it through, weighing every possible outcome: ultimately choosing the path with the best odds of the best result. I could control my mouth, control my actions, control myself. I had self control. I could control my life. (If only that were true... Ohhh life. The struggle is real. Ya know?)

 Embrace your label

"Just Deena" is a part of who I am. I'm still learning ways to deal with my ADHD. I'm constantly on and off medication. I don't want to have to take a pill to have self control. (That's an oxymoron!) Post-it's can help with the forgetfulness and they can definitely help with self motivation, but I can't really walk around town covered in post-it's. I have a peace sign tattooed on my wrist to remind myself to "peace out". Maybe I should get a tattoo on my other wrist that says focus, or think about it. ;D

I love some of the aspects of my ADHD! I love being outgoing and fun and creative and open minded! I'm just tired of the blonde moments. Saying something and then just shaking my head and laughing "Yeah... I heard that", or dropping my head "I am ashamed..." I'm tired of literally walking in circles because I completely forgot what I was doing. I'm tired of my life being a constant cycle of wrong choices made in the moment. I don't want to continue to make mistakes. I want to be the amazing person that I know I can be. I want to be "just Deena"!!

So I will embrace my label! I'll be fun and outgoing and I'll continue to make new friends everywhere I go. I'll be passionate and carefree, but only to the point of not caring about what negative judgmental people think. I will always be open minded and understanding, because it allows me to think and see and feel things that close minded simpletons simply cannot. I will use my creativity to write. To write about my experiences, and the lessons I've learned thus far. I will write down my choices and struggles and faults. I will write not only as a form of therapy for myself, but for the slight chance that maybe my pain and my stupidity will help someone else out there. I will write with passion. I will write for change. I will write with hope. I will write.

<3